confused

I can’t imagine another day, another week, another month’s ended. Still, I feel I haven’t done much, days just went by just like that. I can’t even tell myself "hey! you’ve accomplished this and that, congrats!". I feel I’ve been a very useless person going to work just on time, going home much later than usual and what did I accomplish? Nothing more than the ordinary, routinely no-brainer tasks. Of course what I do aren’t no-brainer tasks but they just become routinely that it’s what I almost do day in day out for weeks, months and counting that they seem like breathing already.

Of course people would often tell me to accept another position and take on another load(s) of responsibility. Hey, I myself can’t understand why I really can’t just go and take the challenge. It’s really hard for me to think why I don’t like the job offered. Maybe partly I’m scared of not being able to perform well, or could be that I don’t want to experience going through what they’re actually going through. Okay, I’m not to blame them for showing their true feelings and opinions on matters (the job, people they deal with, stress, etc) but sorry if I’m too sensitive and observant that even if you don’t tell me the real score, I’d now just by listening and observing. And I don’t like what I see. Another thing, I really feel for them ( I know what they feel going through challenging circumstances, and I feel the same way if not much more, when I’m not even supposed to, right? )

I sometimes feel that maybe things would have been different if I was assigned to just one direct supervisor instead of assisting everyone. I’d probably be focused just on my workplace, the smaller circle of people I’d be dealing with. In my current position, I feel that somehow I’ve become somewhat a sponge that absorbed almost all the positive and negative "air" in the workplace. Too bad, much more of what I’ve absorbed are of the negative. That’s why I can’t commit myself to take on the next level of their so called responsibility (aka : being promoted to a much suffering pedestal).

So, I don’t know if I should be sorry or grateful for not accepting the offer. Sorry for them that they’ll have to look for another person who’ll be willing to jump to the ocean of drowning responsibility. On the other hand, I’m grateful that I’m still able to hold on to my decision. I don’t care if people belittle me for not accepting the challenge (especially my parents) but that’s my decision, and I’m happy with what I have now.

Well, tomorrow’s another day, and the next after that’s a start of another month, the last month for the year. Hopefully before the end of the year I would know and decided on what to do with my life, especially career wise. I feel I’ve already wasted 2 years not knowing what my goal in life really is. Well, honestly, my dreams and goals in life left me when I took this job. But, even if I don’t really like the job, I’ve learned to love it in time. Of course, it’s taught me experiences, made me realize things, encountered self discoveries, etc. In spite of these, I really feel I should take on new challenges soon (I promise to start the year with a new and positive me) hopefully in a different path which would lead me to discovering myself.